


I'm not a mistake.

by Mufffy



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Gen, Jeremy has ADHD, Mentioned Michael Mell - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, also i was debating whether to have rich or michael there, and you can see it as a relationship if you want but theyre not dating, but i mean rich saw him leave so pht, it's literaly jeremy fighting his squip :0, rich is just sitting there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 21:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12197652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mufffy/pseuds/Mufffy
Summary: Jeremy has a strung out conversation with his squip. He doesn't deserve to die and wants to believe it for himself





	I'm not a mistake.

**Author's Note:**

> So.. have this  
> I didn't want to post this. But this is what i went through today, I basically took what happened in my life today and put it into a fanfic to vent, so for the ones reading this, HI :0
> 
> Enjoy my ansgt bs

Jeremy stared at his paper in biology, completely confused. He was one to never pay attention, either drawing or staring off into space so of course he didn’t know what ‘isotonic’ or any word on the page meant. He skipped questions to go back and tried his best

_Your best?_

Go away

_You need me, You’re just stupid without me_

Jeremy ignored his squip, circling an answer to move on, he looked at his hands before moving his thumb, looking at the nail

_You can’t even focus with medication_

Jeremy sighed, ignoring him again

_You can’t ignore me Jeremy, I’m in your brain, You know very well what you want to say to me_

I hate you

_And everyone hates you, They think you’re annoying and pointless. You’re not important Jeremy, Obviously_

Jeremy’s body got hot, He was right, Jeremy knew the squip was right, He was shaking now. He tried to stop, noticing the pencil in his hand shaking violently. He took a deep breathe, holding it a little before slowly exhaling

 _You can’t even-_ The rest of the sentence was cut off by the bell. Jeremy immediately stood up, grabbing his things and putting his backpack on, almost tripping while standing up straight

_You can’t even stand right. Like a new born baby, Helpless and pathetic. Now stand up!_

Jeremy swallowed, straightening his back, standing straight up, lightly shaking before forcing himself to stand still.

_So weak, can’t even take charge in yourself. Always rely on me and your “friends”_

Shut up

Jeremy rolled his eyes, walking out of the door, immediately hanging his head to avoid people. He looked at his shoes, one of them untied, kicking his foot a little to watch the string move. And it made him smile

_Having fun?_

..Kind of

Jeremy frowned, he didn’t want to upset the squip, his only friend, actually just a computer. He had a choice to make friends, and he chose a pill. A 600 dollar suicide pill more like it.

_Your ADHD is getting worse_

No it’s not

_Yes it is, I can see it Jeremy. I’m a part of your brain, You know I could get rid of it for you?_

I told you not to mess around in my head

_I am in your head, I’m always here_

Jeremy’s stomach did a flip when he said that, the squip wouldn’t leave, he’d never leave. It’d be there forever.. until Jeremy was dead

_It affects you, you know? It makes you more stupid. More distracted and raises your anxiety_

Shut up

_Make me. You can’t, because you’re helpless. Why don’t you just listen to me?_

Because you’re wrong

Jeremy took another breathe before walking into his study hall, quietly sitting down at his seat, across from Rich. He was still afraid of him a little, even if Michael had been his best friend. He stared at Rich’s hair, the little strands of red hair falling in front of his face made him uncomfortable, he wanted to fix them, but he didn’t want to get near Rich anymore than he was forced to

_Homework, Jeremy_

Jeremy hadn’t even noticed he zoned out again before looking down at his notebook, the biology paper on his book. He sighed, opening the book back up, looking at the paper. He stared at it, he didn’t want to do it, He didn’t want to hear the squip yelling at him and taunting him anymore

_Too stupid to do it?_

No, Im perfectly smart.

_Grammar_

Aint

 _UGH_.

Jeremy smiled at that, knowing the squip had it’s weak points and dislikes. Maybe he could Disobey it. Jeremy flinched, sitting up right as the stupid thing shocked him. He rubbed his lower back, feeling it burn

_Bad idea_

Stop hurting me, You’re going to leave scars

_It helps you learn Jeremy. Helps you learn to obey, like you never can do. You’re always staring off into space or zoning out, You can’t just pay attention and obey._

Jeremy ignored it

_Do we need to start repeating after me again?_

Jeremy flinched, his heart physically aching before the squip made it stop, he was grateful, but still hated it. Jeremy let out a soft “No” from his mouth, hoping no one heard

_Repeat after me._

The squip ordered and Jeremy tensed, he wasn’t going to listen, but he knew he had to or else he’d end up hurt again

_Everything about you is just terrible._

..Everything about you is just terrible

Another shock on his spine, the pain lingered this time. He would always give it snarky comments or disobey, he was ready for the shocks most of the time, It was a normal thing it did to him

_Very funny, Jeremy_

I thought it was

Jeremy let out a small squeak as the squip shocked him again, the scars were going to be red by the time he got home. A few people stared at him, a blush slowly appearing before he covered his mouth, propping his head up

_Jeremy, Why do you think your mother left?_

Jeremy’s heart skipped a beat, tears started forming in his eyes. He started shaking again, he wanted to stand up and leave, ask to go to a councilor or just the hall way to sit, to be left in the quiet to cry, away where people couldn’t see You didn’t obey her Jeremy shook his head, gripping his pencil as tears fell onto the page, soaking the paper in small dots of water

Stop it. You’re wrong

_But I’m not, and you know it. She hated you, She didn’t want to be around you, She never loved you. You were just a disappointment to her. Just like you are to everyone else_

Jeremy couldn’t take it anymore, He quickly stood up, almost running to the door. Ignoring that everyone was staring, ignoring what the teacher was about to say to him, and ignored the few people whispering as he got to the door. As soon as it was open he ran down the hall, as fast as he could to the end of the hall, slowly walking into the bathroom hoping no one was here

_Go back to class_

“No” he said quietly, out loud Jeremy flinched at the shock he got on his back, the squip was shocking his whole spine now. He took a deep breathe calming down, he tried to stay calm but it was hard with a constant suicide coach in your ear

_Stop being a pathetic baby and go._

“How about you go?” Jermey flinched again, letting out a small shriek at the rather large shock he’d gotten

_You can’t get rid of me like you did your mother_

Jeremy flinched again, sinking to the floor in front of the sink. He felt his arms and legs get weak, His mother was his weak point. He knew nothing about her except that she left when he was three

_Face it Jeremy, No one cares about you. Not even your own mother loved you enough to stay. Honestly surprised as to why your dad is still here_

Jeremy let out a soft sob, and another, until he was weeping into his hands, the floor and the knees of his skinny jeans soaked in his tears. He hated crying and it was something he rarely did, but this was build up. The amount of times he’d held his tears in over the past five years. It let out all at once. The forgotten birthdays, the bulling, losing friends, the name calling, the looks he'd get, the family issues. He couldn't take it

_Are you done yet? Crying i mean, being a baby. Or do we need to talk so you can get it all out?_

"Shut up!" Jeremy screamed, hugging his head against his head "You're wrong, Just shut it!" Jeremy frowned, shaking at multiple shocks he got on his back, It hurt but he took it. He let the squip hurt him, He was exactly as he said he was, Pathetic and Weak, Manipulating him

_Believing you're a mistake now..?_

"..I'm not a mistake, im not a mistake, Im a wonderful kid, Michael loves me, Rich is my friend, My dad still cares. I'm not a mistake, Im not a mistake, im not a mistake, im not a mistake, im not. I'm not!" Jeremy repeated, trying to see the bright side

_You're a huge mistake._

"I'm not-"

_Repeat it._

The squip shocked him, quick and majorly pain filled.

"I- I.. I'm a-a mistake.." Jeremy sobbed, wiping his face which did nothing for him, tears already everywhere else

_Say it again._

Jeremy nodded, taking a second to breathe "I'm a mistake.. Im stupid- I cant do anything by myself, im not good enough for this world" he tried pleasing the squip

_Repeat._

"I.. I deserve to die" Jeremy whispered, his voice hitching a little as he heard a small laugh in the back of his head

_Where's your medication?_

"M-my bag.." Jeremy flinched, expecting to get shocked for being stupid and forgetting it

_Go get it_

Jeremy's heart dropped, he didn't want to die, he might've thought he deserved it, but he didnt want to die, not yet

"B-but-" Jeremy screamed, another shock going through his spine

_You're going to take it. Get rid of me, Isn't that what you want?_

Jeremy thought about it, movement out of the corner of his eyes making him scream again when he got shocked "Shut up!" he screamed, hitting his head "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" his voice much higher than normal, nearly screeching

_Smart move, hurting yourself_

"Shut up!" his voice cracked, pulling on his hair now "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!" he yelled, hitting his head as he screamed

_You hate yourself_

"Shut up!!" he cried, his voice softening a little, he couldnt help but feel weak as he screamed "I hate you" he whispered, curling up more to hug his head between his legs

He flinched, his spine stinging in pain now "Stop- Stop, Stop it! Stop, Please! Just go aw-" Jeremy froze, feeling arms around him, hugging him tightly. He started shaking, slowly relaxing into the other person. He never looked up, just hugged them back, burying his face into the other's shoulder. He knew it was a guy by his chest, but never let go

"You're alright, Shhhh, It's okay.. It can't talk to you right now, It's not real Jer" the voice was soft and loving. Caring, gentle, sweet. Calming and soothing to Jeremy. his stomach stopped flipping and his shoulders finally relaxed, his hands slowly letting go of the person's shirt. He closed his eyes, feeling them rub a circle in his back. He liked it, he smiled a little and curled his legs down, his body relaxing much more now.

He sniffled, rubbing his eyes a little as he looked up to see a flash of red, at first he thought it was Michael's jacket until he saw the hair, He took a deep breathe relaxing into Rich more

**Author's Note:**

> I cried X0


End file.
